Stop Toddler Tantrums -

Public Temper Tantrums: Psychologist Secret Tips

randycale — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:53 +0000

I am often working with parents who are struggling with their toddler’s behavior in public, with the worst scenarios being an all out toddler temper tantrum. Whether it is an evening at the local restaurant, a shopping trip to the grocery store, or a trip to Disney World, many parents find it a challenge to deal with their toddler tantrums. Even the warm up to the tantrum, such as your toddler whining endlessly while waiting in checkout can be both embarrassing and frustrating. Many of these warm-up moments of whining and negativity are signs of the ongoing tantrums. Not always…and not with every toddler. But often!

When the full toddler meltdown happens, for many of you…you get the whole arsenal of tantrum goodies. These meltdowns in public can include whining, crying, stomping feet, throwing whatever is handy, falling to the floor, screaming…all leading to full-throttle, give it all you got… public temper tantrum.

Look: There is a secret to dealing with these public tantrums. I have outlined my fundamental strategy below. (Note: In my full Toddler Tantrum Fixer download package, I include a comprehensive game plan for handling public tantrums of any severity. You may want to check it out later)

The Three Strike Rule For Toddler Temper Tantrums

The Three Strike Rule was developed from the same principles in my Toddler Tantrum Fixer program, and gives you an amazing formula that honors your role as a parent, honors your child’s intuitive capacity to learn, and ultimately establish his healthily boundaries on behavior. No more temper tantrums, and no more worries about those meltdowns or tantrums!

The process is relatively simple. This doesn’t always mean it will be easy…at least for a few days. The REAL SECRET to any effective behavior change process is that you DO NOT run from the problem situation. Instead, you teach FROM and THROUGH the problem situation. More on this point later… for now: Let’s get rolling.

Here’s how it works: First, you have a very brief chat, assuming your toddler is developmentally there….using and understanding basic vocabulary. Nothing complex…we keep it very simple.

You explain to your toddler, or even older children, that you have established a new public rule that you will call the “three strike rule.” You explain what specific behaviors you expect in public, and that these healthy, responsible and respectful actions will always mean that there will be no problems.

You also explain the types of behaviors that will get them in trouble. Temper tatrums, fighting between siblings, screaming or yelling, or incessant whining and complaining will all be considered “problem behaviors.” I would also include destroying any property, or disrespect to mom or dad or other adults.

Let them know that they will want to remember because these problem behaviors all fit into the new Three Strike Rule.

Now, if you have a very young toddler, and this seems too complex: don’t worry. Skip number one…and just follow the rest of this.

Quite honestly, it will work just as well. IT MIGHT take a few more experiences for them to ‘get it.’ But I promise…they will get it. Next…

The Three Strike Rule will work like this.

Strike One: this is for the first time anyone steps over the line, and has a temper tantrum, a meltdown, an outburst, or any problem behavior. You simply let them know, “Strike One. We are going to take a break.”

Regardless of what you are doing or what you are engaged in, take your children by the hand and walk to a bench, or an area out of the way, where you can sit quietly. I like walking to the car, even if it is a ways because you can have more control over stimulation in the car. If there is an all out tantrum, simple physically remove them to the car, wait until no noise and then start the five minute timer. Let them know that once they are perfectly quiet, you’ll then take five minutes before anyone leaves or moves. If they want to talk, let them know the five minutes starts over again.

Once the five minutes is up, you can return to your shopping or your dinning experience. This simple action has a very powerful effect, because of the boredom factor.

KEY POINT: If you want this to work, you can not pretend that you can skip this when it’s inconvenient. You must do this…regardless. In other words, you must follow through with the steps…even when it is a HUGE hassle for you, eats up your time, and perhaps even causes you to miss an appointment. Follow-through is essential in the early stages…as this is the teaching phase.

If you do this now… you will never have to deal with such craziness for the next 15 years! Moving on….

Strike Two: This occurs if there is a second problematic behavior, such as a temper tantrum or meltdown. After you return to your shopping, dinning, or whatever recreation you are doing, you continue on as if nothing had happened. However, if the behavior is over the line that you have established, you now announce, “Strike Two. We are going to take another break.”

Again, drop what you are doing, and find a bench to sit on. If you have to go to the car you do so. If you are in a restaurant, ask the waiter to hold the food a few minutes while you go to the car, and let them know you will be back. Be patient in these early days of training!

Once again, you allow for whatever whining or complaining to occur. Only after there is quiet for five minutes do you return.

Strike Three: While it will be unusual for you to get to Strike Three, it sometimes happens. When you reach Strike Three, you let the children know that you are done. Wherever you are, or whatever you are doing, pack it up and you head home. As you get to the car, you make sure that you take another five minute time out before the car moves. This may take awhile, as you may be getting a lot of whining, complaining, or outbursts from the children. Just let them have these moments, and wait for the five minutes of silence.

You then return home. If you were at Disney World you go back to your room, if you were at a restaurant you take the food to go, or you could simply pay the bill and walk away and leave it on the table.

It is essential not to get too concerned about the drama that enfolds the first couple of times that you follow through with the Three Strike Rule. For many children, you are going to get some drama. For some, big drama!

Make sure you do not get sucked into the drama. Allow them to have the drama, and just stick to your guns on the consequences. Think of this “training” as a mini-boot camp. Once you get through a couple of weeks, and 4-6 learning sessions, you will have very, very few problems in public.

Over the years, I have worked with hundreds of family’s with similar situations. Over and over again, I find that parents rarely get to the point of having to execute Strike Three. If they do so, it has an impact which is significant, and they virtually never have to do it again.

The “magic” in this simple formula is in leading with your actions, and not your words. This is very similar to the philosophy in my Tantrum Fixer program. You do not have to remind the children every time of the Three Strike Rule. After you have explained it, and having experienced it a couple times, you’ll find that they explain it to all of their friends, rather than you having to explain it. They really get it.

If you follow that simple formula, you’ll see that your children will learn to respect the limits you set for them in public. I wish you only the best.

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Psychologist Secret: Public Temper Tantrums

admin — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 09:44:54 +0000

The Three Strike Rule For Toddler Temper Tantrums

Here’s how it works: First, you have a very brief chat, assuming your toddler is developmentally there….using and understanding basic vocabulary. Nothing complex…we keep it very simple.

Let them know that they will want to remember because these problem behaviors all fit into the new Three Strike Rule.

Now, if you have a very young toddler, and this seems too complex: don’t worry. Skip number one…and just follow the rest of this.

Quite honestly, it will work just as well. IT MIGHT take a few more experiences for them to ‘get it.’ But I promise…they will get it. Next…

The Three Strike Rule will work like this.

Once the five minutes is up, you can return to your shopping or your dinning experience. This simple action has a very powerful effect, because of the boredom factor.

If you do this now… you will never have to deal with such craziness for the next 15 years! Moving on….

Once again, you allow for whatever whining or complaining to occur. Only after there is quiet for five minutes do you return.

If you follow that simple formula, you’ll see that your children will learn to respect the limits you set for them in public. I wish you only the best.

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Discover Your Secret Weapon to Stop Toddler Tantrums Fast

admin — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 09:29:14 +0000

Many times parents ask me to give it to them “straight” when seeking help for toddler temper tantrums. They want help now! The toddler tantrum can take many forms; from whining that builds to crying, to screaming and toddler meltdowns. To be effective, parents need precision in stopping toddler tantrums.

As a Licensed Psychologist, I try to give them the most important information first because I never know how long I will hold their attention. Here is the first lesson I always offer parents when teaching them my Toddler Tantrum Fixer approach.

Key Point: “Where you keep investing your attention, your child will keep investing their energy.”

Please sit with that for a moment, because it is truly the most powerful lesson you can master here.

So How Does This Work?

Where your attention (repeatedly and consistently) goes, their energy flows.

This simple statement reflects the primary way that you directly shape your child’s behavior and emotions. This principle does not reflect a short term, immediate fix approach to behavior change.

Instead, this principle reflects the power of your attention…the power of your love…to shape your child’s behavior.

In practical terms, this statement can be translated as follows:

What behavior or emotion you consistently give attention to…that behavior or emotion must expand over time. It must get bigger!

It doesn’t matter whether the behavior you are “investing in” is healthy or unhealthy. It doesn’t matter if the behavior is pleasant or unpleasant. It doesn’t matter if you like the emotion being expressed, or whether you dislike it. Just remember this: Consistently engage it. And It MUST grow.

The behavior or emotion has no choice. If you keep noticing it, and giving your attention to it, that behavior must grow. IT’S THE LAW.

The more that you consistently give attention to any behavior, your children learn to put more and more of their energy into that behavior.

Keep in mind: It does not matter what your words or your actions are. It only matters whether or not you give attention to the behavior.

Let’s talk reality for a moment: How does this work against you?

Your daughter starts to whine, and you ask her to stop. She whines louder to get what she wants. You ask her (louder this time) to stop.

She then stops to stomp her feet a bit, and you look at her very firmly, and say “stop that.” She glares back, and starts to jump up and down.

You get very frustrated, and yell firmly, “I SAID STOP THAT!!”

She starts crying now, and stomping her feet, and jumping up and down.

In your frustration, you now start to plead and cry, and ask her to calm down. She seems to ignore you. So you keep trying to calm her. Perhaps you gently touch her, and get on her level to connect.

For a few seconds, you get her attention, but as soon as she realizes she is not getting what she wants, an all out meltdown occurs.

You now feel worried for her, try to soothe again. This is followed by frustrations, attempted time outs.

What Really Happened Here?

Forget what it appears to be. Here is what really happened.

When your daughter whined, you gave attention.

When she got worse, she got more of your attention.

When she spiraled downward out of control, even more attention.

At the meltdown phase, she got all of mom’s attention.

What Does This Mean For You?

If you have a child who tantrums, you can change that pattern fast. The first step is to change how your child is getting your attention. NOTHING else will make a long term difference at home until you master this “law at attention” and start to use it in your favor.

If you ignore this law, your tantrums will get worse. Learn to master it, and the other principles in my Toddler Tantrum Fixer Program and you will get rid of tantrums in less than a week.

Learn More About How To STOP Toddler Tantrums Here

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Psychologists Secrets to Shopping With Your Children How to Avoid Temper Tantrums, Meltdowns and Upsets

admin — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 09:40:38 +0000

I am often working with parents who are frustrated when they go shopping with their children. They go out to buy their children some new clothes and all their children do is whine and complain and sometimes throw temper tantrums. They complain because it takes to long, or because they didn’t get what they want, or they have to wait on their brother or sister. Some children meltdown and throw those ugly, extreme off the wall temper tantrums that are embarrassing and upsetting.

In this article, I reveal three of my key strategies for effective parenting in public. As a Licensed Psychologist and author of the Tantrum Fixer program, I have developed a simple set of clear strategies that will help you have peace and harmony. Whether it’s shopping at the mall, or going to the grocery store, there are several key principles that will help you stay focused, and create a pleasant experience, with no temper tantrums or outbursts.

Shopping secret 1: Your words won’t teach.

Your children don’t need another lecture from you about how important it is for them to behave, or how frustrated you are. They don’t need you to tell them again about how you’re going shopping for them, or how they have to be patient. Just give it up.

Instead, your focus has to turn toward your actions as a parent. It will be your actions that teach them to be patient, to appreciate their choices, and to honor the time that’s set aside to take care of them. In the midst of a child who is whining, complaining or about to throw a temper tantrum, words will only feed the negative behavior.

Shopping secret 2: Clarify expectations in advance.

Before each of your shopping ventures, explain where you’re going, and what you’re going to accomplish. You don’t need to go into an explanation about their behavior.

Instead, this is just a brief discussion to establish why you’re going shopping, and what you’re going to be doing. Explain very briefly where the limits are at.

It’s essential for you to model that you do not do impulse buying when you go shopping. The more that your children see you establish a reason for going shopping, and that you define what you’ll be getting, the more that you model that you don’t respond to impulse.

If on the other hand, you don’t define what you’ll be doing, and where you’ll be going, and you just wander around and shop, you’re modeling the strategy that your children will likely follow. While wandering and shopping isn’t such a big deal, it’s the response to impulse that’s problematic. If your children view you as a parent who does this, you need to expect that your children will learn to do the same thing. They’ll see something that they want, and begin to harass you to buy it. You might then end up negotiating with them, and explain why you can’t do it this time and maybe next time and so forth.

You take a critical first step in eliminating these patterns by establishing clarity about why you’re going shopping, what you’ll be buying, and then staying true to that expectation.

Shopping secret 3: Follow Dr Cale’s three strike rule.

The three strike rule is this. Whenever you are in public, your children get three strikes. On the first strike, you’ll walk out of whatever store you’re in, and you go sit on a bench where you take a five minute timeout. Everyone has to be quiet during the five minutes, and you’ll sit there until everyone is quiet for five minutes. Any whining, complaining or negativity is ignored. Any temper tantrums are ignored. However, the five minute timeout does not begin till all are quiet, and remain quiet. (This may take a while for the first couple of times.)

The second strike looks pretty similar. You walk out, leaving whatever is in the store, and you take anther time out. This time however, I suggest that you walk all the way to the car, and you sit in the car for five minutes of complete quiet time.

You don’t have to lecture the children about their whining or complaining. You don’t want to remind them too much about their temper tantrums, and why those tantrums will get them in trouble. You don’t have to tell them to be appreciative. You don’t have to remind them of your expectations every single time. Instead, when there is a problem, you just take them by the hand, and walk out to the car and do your time out.

If you get to the third strike, it means you are done. Regardless of where you are at or what you’re doing, you put it all done and you simply leave. You could be in the middle of their school shopping, and they’ll do without supplies for a few days. They could be off to summer camp, and they needed some new sneakers, but they’ll have to deal with the old ones. You can even be at the grocery store, and you’re desperately in need of groceries so it means eating a can of ancient soup. That’s okay.

Why? Because tomorrow you will do it again. And again. Until they get it.

Now here’s the good news. You children will be fast learners. It usually only takes two or three times until they start to understand that you mean business. No more temper tantrums. No more whining. No more constant complaints about shopping.

The more your children understand that you are a parent of action, and that your actions will lead the way, you’ll see that they’ll begin to honor the limits that you set. And you need to be willing to walk out of the store. You need to be willing to take a time out. You need to be willing to leave, if your previous efforts haven’t made a difference.

Teach limits with firm, clear action. Avoid those repeated lectures, and make sure that your behavior leads by example, and then your words will have more meaning as times goes on.

If you follow these three secrets, you’ll find that you may have several very challenging shopping experiences over the next couple of weeks. However, after you get through those challenging experiences, you’ll see your children start to get it. They really start to learn from the choices that you make.

All effective parenting is based on giving your children opportunities to learn, not trying to control or demand a particular response from your children. You’ll see that these principals and approaches are remarkably healthy, and effective at helping your children to understand responsible, cooperative and healthy ways of being an active part of your family. I wish you the best with this. Please be patient and allow for learning to unfold over time. It will happen, but the consequence will be the teacher….not your threats of the consequence!

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One Secret to Ending Toddler Temper Tantrums

admin — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 09:36:52 +0000

When dealing with toddlers who are struggling with behavior problems, such as toddler tantrums, whining or meltdowns, our tendency is often to end up responding to them with lots of instructive words. In other words, we tell them what they need to do. We do it over and over again.

In fact, the more a toddler tantrums, we often make the mistake of putting more and more effort into controlling their behaviors.

If we get frustrated, we can talk in very controlling ways. We speak to them as if we have control over them, and we don’t.

Do We Control Our Children?

The bottom line is that we don’t control our children. The more that we end up falling into the trap of trying to control them, when we don’t have control, the more we end up in futile battles and constant struggles.

In many ways, when you open to this truth, you also open to an enlightened way of parenting that gives you tremendous power to teach your children critical life lessons and to help them learn to negotiate through the world more effectively.

First however, let’s review what it sounds like when you’re really trying to control your children, and it’s not working. It could sound like any of these comments:

“Now just calm down.”
“Cut that out.”
“Put that away.”
“Put that down.”
“Stop hitting your brother.”
“You’re going to eat everything on your plate.”
“Clean up your room.”
“Do your homework.”
“Get off the phone.”

You notice the theme. You’re responding and talking to your children as if you did have control. We act as if our words “should” control their actions and their emotions, when they simply don’t.

As adults, do we like to be talked to in this way? Of course not! And neither do your children.

So what’s the alternative?

The alternative is to shift your focus from controlling your children to controlling the environment and everything that surrounds them. You can control you! You can control your home. You can control access to the goodies.

On the other hand, many frustrated parents come to me as they try in vain to control temper tantrums with their words. They also try to control tantrums with punishments, and try to force the temper tantrums to go away. It doesn’t work that way. We can’t control those temper tantrums away.

However; we can very quickly teach your children that the tantrums do not work for them anymore BY controlling the consequences.

This is a critical distinction that shifts your focus from the illusion of having control over your children (because you don’t) to the reality of what you do control…your environment.

In fact, you control everything that your children really care about. You control whether or not the electricity works, whether there is a TV or cable in the house, whether the car goes to soccer practice, whether the phone works, and even what food is in the refrigerator. You control everything that they care about.

So instead of trying to focus on controlling your children, I encourage you to focus on controlling the environment in response to your children’s choices. If you keep your focus here, you can now control the consequences to every choice! Your children then begin to learn from the consequences of their choices. Tantrums, whining and all the negativity will disappear within days when you become a master of this lesson.

Learn to Love Reality!

Notice how this concept reflects the reality of life. We don’t buy cars that will only go sixty five miles an hour. We all buy cars that will go well over the speed limit. There is no one who says you can’t drive a hundred miles per hour when the speed limit is sixty five. Instead, we have policeman who give us tickets and we have to pay the fine. This is the consequence for going over the speed limit.

Your employer doesn’t come and pull you out of the bed if you don’t show up. Instead, when you come to work late, they tell you to go home…for good! That’s the consequence for your poor choice!

No one tells you that you can’t write checks when there is no money in the account. Instead, you account is overdrawn and you are penalized severely. In some cases, the consequences are worse and this is what does the teaching!

But please learn from this lesson, as it will sever you in dozens of ways as you parent your child. Not just from these ugly meltdowns, screaming tantrums and all-out-blood-curdling screams, but with all the challenges of parenting.

At home, I encourage you to have a similar philosophy. You establish the limits, by controlling the environment. When your children step over the line, you make sure there is a consequence.

Notice that this doesn’t guarantee that they’ll stay on the right side of the line. It only guarantees the opportunity for them to learn that it’s in their interest to stay on the right side of the line. When you really get this approach, you move into your power as a parent. You move into a world where you focus on teaching your children…rather than controlling them. How doe children learn to drop temper tantrums? By realizing that it is no longer in their interest to tantrum! We just need a few days to teach them that! It happens fast!

Revolutionize Your Parenting

This approach can completely transform your parenting, as it gets you out of the world where you use lots of words to try to manage behavior. Words will not teach the lessons you want to teach. Consequences will. And you control all the consequences that are really important to your children.

When you make this fundamental shift in the way that you parent, there’s a world of additional strategies and approaches that can make life even better. You can learn about these at my website, at www.TerrificParenting.com.

I encourage you to use this idea as a starting point, and ignore all the many voices out there that are encouraging you to repeatedly talk to your children when dealing with problem behaviors. Of course, when dealing with an occasional moment of upset, talk with your children. But, when you are struggling through a pattern of temper tantrums, meltdowns or acting out behavior, remember to love reality… and focus on control of the environment…not your child! You will see those temper tantrums disappear in less than a week, if you can really master this lesson. I wish you the best.

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Give Careful Thought to What Your Children Are Watching on TV

admin — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:24:40 +0000

As a Licensed Psychologist and Parenting Specialist, I am often speaking to parents about how to stop tantrums, and how to reduce aggression and anger in children. I find myself repeatedly pointing to a growing trend in our culture, which helps to explain many issues which childhood anger, temper tantrums, violence and aggression.

This trend reflects a significant division between two categories of children. Those
“under the spell” of their TV, and those children that aren’t. For those children that aren’t caught by the spell of their TV, there are significantly less struggles with violence, anger and temper tantrums. As time goes on, this group tends to watch an hour or so of TV per day, or less, and seem to have a focus on some combination of academic, recreational or social activities in a balanced manner. These kids generally go forward through high school with relative success, happiness and a bright future. (Note that this does not happen without parental intervention and guidance however.)

The second catergory of children are decidedly more at risk, in the early years of temper tantrums and anger. This can escalate in the later years to more severe aggression and violence. These children end up watching four or more hours of TV, or video, per day. This second category of kids are consumed with passive entertainment and spend inordinate amounts of time either looking at a electronic box, playing with a box, or communicating through a box,

The nature of this passive entertainment is problematic in many ways. First, these kids are not exercising their bodies in any way. Secondly, they are not exercising their minds, except in a very narrow fashion. Third, they are exposed to an inordinate amount of external advertising, and thus their interests and desires are shaped more by the media than by family values.

Finally, what they’re watching and doing is not monitored as carefully. I recently interviewed an eleven year old boy who appeared fatigued at our nine o’clock appointment. He explained that he was up playing video games until five am. His mother was in the waiting area and when I spoke with her about this, she explained that she thought he had gone to bed. However, we quickly learned that this child had regularly stayed up till three to five am in the morning, and always had difficulty getting up for school and was falling asleep in school. In fact he was being evaluated for having a disorder, which had nothing to do with his psychological functioning, but had only do to with his unhealthy habits.

Now this example may sound absurd to many of you. However, I can assure you that it’s not that absurd. Children who become addicted will go to bed, and get up on their own. Teenagers will cut off the computer and say goodnight, and you’ll find them IM’ing at two am on their laptop. Your kids will cut off the light and they’ll be talking on their cell phone to their friends at one thirty. Your son maybe watching TV in the basement, and assuring you that he’s watching Nickelodeon while he’s really watching HBO rerun of Sopranos. Your daughter assures you that she only downloads parent approved music on her ipod, and you discover that she’s listening to the most antisocial, violent music you could ever imagine.

When allowed untethered access, the Internet is a world where your children can get access to anything you can imagine. While I find very few parents would drop their twelve year old off on the street in New York City, I find many parents allow their twelve year olds access to computers, TV and video games without much thought about the consequence.

The consequences are devastating, and becoming more apparent. The problems occur in several ways.

Too much of it.

The research clearly suggests that excessive amounts of TV, video, or computer gaming has a negative affect. It pulls kids away from more active forms of entertainment and engagement, including sports, academics, and social relationships.

It’s designed to be addictive.

These are the smartest people on the planet designing games that are supposed to be addictive. Most parents don’t think about this. I encourage you to consider it carefully.

They’re engaged in a form of entertainment, which is designed to suck them into more and more of the same.without a measurable positive result.

Violent themes are infused everywhere.

Whether its cartoons, regular programming, or video games, there are violent themes in most programming. For some, this is not the case.

But for the programs that will appeal to your emerging teenager, you’ll find that the violent themes have an overwhelming appeal, particularly for boys.

Once again, the research is becoming more clear. Kids who become obsessed with such video games, tend to have a shorter fuse, display more disrespect, have more problems at school and are willing to act out on their aggression more often.

Excessive involvement with the box interferes with all forms of life’s success.

Regardless of your value system and what you desire for your kids, you’ll find they’re growing obsession with entertainment from a box will have little relationship to their future success. I hear many parents say while my child will grow up to be a programmer. This is rubbish! You become a programmer when you become interested in how things work, not just in playing with them. You have to understand mathematics, systems of logic, and hone your thought processes in a disciplined manner. None of that occurs by playing video games.

Bottom line: set limits, and do so assetively. By setting limits, I mean make certain that your kids are watching not more than an hour or so of TV, and not playing more than a half hour or so of video games. Let them complain for a while. If they complain, let them know that you’ll throw out the video games.

Be willing to take a strong stance on this issue, and teach limits by consequences not threatening words. In other words, if the hour is up, and your boys are still watching TV, you cut off the TV. Also let them know that if you cut it off, it’s going to be off for the next two days. Then stand by your decision.

You do this a couple of times, and they’ll learn to respect the limits that you set.

The addictive nature means that things get worse over time.

While it is clear that exposure to violence increases aggression and temper tantrums in small children, it is equally clear that these negative consequences escalate for many children, especially boys, over time. Because you don’t see the negative outcomes right now, it doesn’t mean that the effect is not there.

Bottom line: Too much is unhealthy. Be willing to set limits.

And particularly if your young child is having behavioral problems with violence, tantrums and other acting out, I strongly recommend that you set tight limits on exposure and then notice what happens. This is not the only change you will need to make if you have a child who throws temper tantrums and is angry and aggressive, but it is a start in the right direction!

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Kids Whining Their Way to Unhappiness and Tantrums

admin — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:18:28 +0000

Does it seem like your kids do more whining than ever?

In my private practice as a licensed psychologist, I get more and more questions from parents about their kids who seem to be incessantly whining and complaining. Many parents see this lead to toddler tantrums and meltdowns. While this may or may not be your child’s profile, it’s important to be aware of the dangers inherent in whining as a favorite past time for your son or daughter.

The dangers of whining and toddler tantrums.

Whining is not attractive to anyone.

As your kids get older and older, they’ll find themselves more and more connected with peers who tend to be whiners as well. Happy, joyful and actively engaged peers will find such incessant whining and complaining unpleasant and will move on.

Whining often leads to toddler tantrums, which destroy happiness.

Toddlers can begin to fall into a pattern that worsens over time. As these children get older, their whining and toddler tantrums become more extreme and violent.

With every tantrum or meltdown, your child’s happiness is depleted. The emotion is more extreme, more intense and out of proportion with what makes sense. Whining does not always lead to these extreme tantrums, but often you find the two showing up together.

Behind the whining and the toddler tantrums is a distortion of reality.

While I certainly don’t know your family personally, it’s safe to say that your children live a life that is relatively blessed. If you’re reading this article, it’s likely they had parents and grandparents who love them, a home in a relatively safe country, and opportunities galore as they look toward their future. Their room is likely filled with toys, they’re able to get a good education, and you’re there to support them every step along the way. It is a good life!

So when your kids are whining and complaining, or throwing a temper tantrum, about a momentary situation where they don’t get what they want, this is a distortion of reality. In other words, they’re only focused on one tiny part of their life experience and failing to appreciate all the wonder and value of their bigger life experience. If this “perspective” is supported and reinforced by you over time, it will become their habitual way of seeing the world. They will always tend to see what they “don’t have” or what they “don’t get” rather than appreciating what they do have!

You just can’t be happy as a whiner and complainer.

When looking at the world through the lens of whining, it becomes very difficult to appreciate and enjoy all of the wonderful things you have. Your kids may have a tendency to search out for the things that aren’t working perfectly, and to focus on those items to the exclusion of everything else in their life. This is a formula for unhappiness, and you must avoid supporting this perspective. Why would you not throw a temper tantrum if you see the world through the eyes of the whiner? In that world, there is a lot to throw a tantrum about!!! We have got to change this for your child.

The healthy world will not invest in their whining and tantrums….so why should you?

This is the critical threshold distinction that you need to make. In the grown up world, individuals who are healthy and happy will not invest themselves repeatedly and consistently in the whining and complaining of others. You need to learn from this perspective, and bring this into your home.

If you remind your kids not to whine, or if you negotiate with their toddler tantrums, or you try to rescue them from their unhappiness, you’ll find that they just keep whining and throwing tantrums….on and on.

Instead, take the opposite approach. Stop investing in their whining and toddler tantrums. Walk away from it. Walk away from it. Walk away from it.

Certainly, when you first begin to do this, you’ll just get more whining and tantrums. You may see a big drama unfold in front of you. You’ve got to be okay with this, and just ride the wave. By the time you hit twenty eight to thirty days from now, most of the whining and complaining will be in somebody else’s home and not yours.

It doesn’t mean that the ride will be an easy one; it just means that the path through this is really clear. If you keep investing your energy in their whining and complaining, they’ll think the world cares about it. The world, at least the healthy parts of the world, will not care about it. So instead, walk away from that whining and toddler tantrums. Once you’ve learned to walk away repeatedly and consistently, you’ll find that your kids can learn to walk away from it as well.

For more on how to cure that whining child of negativity, or to stop those toddler tantrums, you can visit my website at www.How-To-Stop_Tantrums.com. My name is Randy L. Cale, Ph.D., and I am a Licensed Psychologist and the author of this material, as well as the developer of The Tantrum Fixer, a step-by-step parenting solution that stops whining and toddler tantrums in less than a week.

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The Three Parenting Mistakes That Will Destroy Your Trip to Disney World

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:01:59 +0000

Over the years in working with thousands of families, I regularly speak with parents who abort their trip to Disney World and return home early due to frustrations and disappointments with their children’s behavior. Many times, it’s a child’s repeated temper tantrums that are the cause. While leaving Disney may sound extreme, it’s actually more common than you might imagine.

After all, how many days of whining and tantrums could you take? How many days of constant negotiation and screaming battles would wear you out? And what’s worse…many of you feel helpless in these situations.

Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way. Pay close attention to these three mistakes, and you have a good sense about how to stay out of trouble on your trip to Disney World.

Mistake Number 1: You’re working too hard to make them happy.

Okay I know this sounds weird. But I also understand that you want your kids to have a great time. You don’t want the tantrums. You don’t want the meltdowns. You don’t even want the constant whining and complaining.

Here’s the secret: It’s your job to create opportunities for happiness. It’s not your job to guarantee their happiness. They have to do their share!

All that you can do is expose them to a wonderful experience full of great opportunities for laughter and fun, and let them learn to accommodate long lines, disagreements with their siblings, and the need to get out of the sunshine before they get burned to death.

In these moments of unhappiness, allow them to have their moment. You don’t have to rescue them from it. In fact, they need to learn how to rescue themselves from this. This is a critical life lesson.

Mistake number 2: You fail to establish clear expectations for behavior.

Well in advance of Disney World, your kids need to understand what your expectations are in terms of their behavior in public. Let them know what is “acceptable public behavior” and that they will be welcome to enjoy outings to various parks, recreational areas and even Disney World when their behavior is in line with “acceptable public behavior.”

It is essential to define clearly where the “line is at” (so that everyone knows what is acceptable and unacceptable). Thus, no arguments or discussions later about this topic…especially in the moment of a tempter tantrum or a meltdown.

This might be different for different families, and so it’s important to specify this for your kids. Yet this isn’t enough! Yes I need to make sure you are aware of mistake number three.

Mistake number 3: You try to teach limits on behavior with your words, and not with consequences.

This is a common mistake we all make. We start to see our kids moving toward inappropriate behavior, or perhaps they’re getting out of control, and you begin to remind them or lecture them or scorn them. As the day wears on, we find ourselves getting more and more of this. If you happen to have a child who is somewhat difficult or challenging, you know that this can escalate into a situation that quickly grows out of control.

You avoid this mess by turning toward consequences, and not words. As you set your expectations with kids, let them know what the consequence will be for their failure to honor a particular limit.

For example, if you explain to the boys that any form of pushing or hitting means there will be a non-negotiable consequence: “You boys will both do a time out on the bench with five minutes of complete silence before we will do anything else.” Mom, Dad…you then you have to honor this. They need to know where the line is at. You teach this through the consequence. Not the threatened consequence.

And…you need to be the one to implement the consequence.

For more information about traveling peacefully and joyfully with no temper tantrums and no whining and no meltdowns, visit my parenting website at www.How-To-Stop-Tantrums.com. My name is Randy L. Cale, Ph.D., and I am the author of this material and the developer of The Tantrum Fixer, a step-by-step parenting solution that stops tantrums in less than a week.

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